Charlotte

I have always been (and to some extent will always be) an overthinker. Just how I’m wired. 

Trying these days to be more of just a thinker. 

And I think ;) I’m going decently well. 

But I’ll admit, I’ve wasted a good deal of time & energy overthinking what’s “right.” The right job, the right school, the right order. The right life. 

For some time, I held an unsustainable position on achievement. I grew up in a high-performing, competitive environment and absolutely leaned in. But en route, I developed an unhelpful pattern of thinking there was only one way forward. Climbing a ladder is a pretty narrow way to live. 

I didn't recognize that as something that was actually limiting my growth. It was just how I operated. When you're surrounded by a certain environment, you don't always question it. You just assume that's how things are supposed to be. 

It wasn't about addressing some acute thing that was wrong. It was about experiencing a better way of living. 

I started actively recognizing the patterns I fall into, what feels good for me, and where I might be holding myself to expectations that aren't necessarily my own.

With time I’m learning there isn’t a single future waiting for me to discover. My fate isn’t pre-baked. It becomes whatever I make through the choices I continue to make. That’s surprisingly freeing because it means I can stop trying to uncover the “correct” path and start participating in creating it.

Choosing the University of California Santa Barbara was perhaps the biggest expression of what I was beginning to realize. It was the first time I allowed myself to make a big life decision based on what I wanted my life to feel like, rather than what I thought was the next best step.

There were other paths I could have taken that might have looked better on paper, whether that was a school with a certain pedigree or a more conventional idea of what success looked like. But I really valued happiness, balance, and having an experience that I felt would be good for me as a person. I felt like UCSB would give me that.

I think that decision taught me something about trusting my own sense of what I wanted and creating my own path.

I lived in San Francisco for two years, during which time I launched a pretty unsuccessful smear campaign against Strava. Kidding but like seriously if the metrics are truly all you’re after, I just think you’re missing out on an experience with running that is really pure and beautiful. 

I love it, but I do it for almost the opposite reason that people might approach it competitively. I'm generally not trying to go as fast as I can or hit a certain goal. It's not at all about performance for me - it’s really the experience of doing it. 

My favorite runs are the ones where mentally I’m so in it. I'm listening to music. My body and the beat of my heart and what I’m listening to become one, it’s this crazy thing that totally absorbs me. Depending on the run, it can feel like this experience that’s bringing me really close to music. Or if it’s calmer and I’m just kind of in a dialed headspace, it can feel more like a meditation. You don’t always know which it’s going to be. Or if it’s going to be just a shit vibe because it’s not magic 100% of the time either.

I know you’re also very active in the yoga scene, can you talk about your experience there? 

Yoga to me similarly seems like an intersection of meditation and art, though the experience in the moment feels quite different. I get really focused on length and form, it reminds a bit of dancing, which reminds me of my childhood growing up as a dancer. Like I get to revisit my younger self while doing this. It’s obviously not as activating as running, it’s where your parasympathetic nervous system gets to come online. For me, it’s really important to have days focused on activating your automatic nervous system & then days where you really nourish your parasympathetic nervous system. You need both. 

The yoga scene is also just really a fantastic community to be a part of. 

At a high level, movement to me is and, honestly, always has been a way of connecting with myself and the art forms I most enjoy. That’s why I just can’t get behind the Strava I don’t know. But everyone has to have their own relationship with these things so hey, if you look at it and honestly can say it gives you energy, by all means use it. Just know why it works for you. 

Do you think that's part of learning to let go of perfectionism? Finding things you enjoy without needing them to lead somewhere?

Yes. I'm deeply interested in those moments where you completely lose track of time and feel completely present. Taking care of my body and slowing down looks different for me. It can be running, cooking, stretching, or doing something that genuinely inspires me. 

I don't think you need to turn every activity into something productive. It's more about noticing when those moments happen for you and making sure you hold space for them.

You mentioned that cooking is one of your favorite parts of the day. What is it about being in the kitchen that you love?

I love food, but I also LOVE the process of making it. Cutting fresh ingredients, using my hands, being in the kitchen. Especially when I've spent the day glued to my desk. It makes me feel connected to the real world again.

I grew up having really good dinners with my family. We'd sit around the table, eat slowly, chat, savor a dish that someone had put care behind. I’d spend literally 3 hours, at the very least 2, every dinner talking with my brother. We were snails at the table. But we were also just savoring the time together. I think that experience has stayed with me because dinner was always something I genuinely looked forward to.

Now, cooking is still one of my favorite parts of the day. There's something about having that time to make something, enjoy it, and actually be present for it.

What do you think you're learning about yourself in this phase of your life?

I'm learning to be more comfortable with things being unfinished, uncertain, unknown. I don't need to have everything figured out to enjoy where I am.

I'm interested in noticing what makes me feel good, what gives me energy, and what I naturally gravitate toward. I think that's how you start to build a life that feels authentic to you.

I used to think every day needed to be optimized. Now I remind myself that you don’t always have to run the whole marathon. Sometimes you just need to light a candle.

I still catch myself sleuthing sometimes… all the time quite frankly. Old habits die hard. But everyday, instead of assuming the answer is hiding somewhere out there, I’m learning to trust that I have the agency to make a good path out of whichever one I end up on.